We all have our hobbies, some of them geekier than others. I don't care if you like Star Trek, or read comic books or play AD&D all weekend long, or if you have a crippling addiction to Counter Strike that keeps you from seeing the light of day. But there is a fine fucking line that I think nobody should ever cross.
I think the biggest problem facing those geeky hobbies, and that's mainstream appeal. Remember when playing video games was strictly for losers with no date on a Friday night? Or how the difference between getting the shit kicked out of you or not in high school depended on if you had every episode of the original Star Trek trained to memory? Or how until a movie came out about it, nobody on the right side of cool would even spit in the direction of a comic book unless they had enough brains to know it would depreciate their resale value and make you cry like the pansy ass sissy that you are? Those were great times, magical times, because we, the geeks and nerds, the freaks and losers were able to solely enjoy our little hobbies (often times more secretly than our masturbatory habits might I add, even though we had only a rudimentary idea of what a woman looked like naked.. But this isn't the subject I wish to broach, so let's skip it before I make myself all hot and bothered... Ah, fuck too late... Hold on I need to get some tissue.. I'll be right back...)
But the mainstream appeal to our geeky little habits, be it card games, on-line gaming, or movies that star Bruce Campbell, have encroched on territory that was only ours. So the geeks have decided to take things a step further. To stand out above all these other would be fans who only hopped on the bandwagon because all of a sudden the 80's come back was hip, or Enterprise came on the air, or they made another fucking Blade sequel. Some of us gotten into our heads that we have to set ourselves aside from the rest of the people who will simply lose interest in a couple of months and find some new fad.
Enter the convention scene. Now I've never been to a single convention in my life, and I'm going to try and avoid the lour of the convention as long as I possibly can, because they stand as the number one reason why I hate other fans of any sort of hobby, interest, or cult following. One of my vice is Transformers, you know those robots from the 80's that would turn into cars and shit (Yeah, "more than meets the eye" asshole, very good, you get two gold stars and a middle finger scented scratch and sniff sticker.) But I cannot stand other fans. I simply cannot.
Personally, I blame the Trekkies for all of this. I figure they started it all, going to conventions dressed like Spock, or a Klingon (also taking great pains to learn the language -- because believe it or not, there is a series of "learn to speak Klingon" books and tapes out there --) making utter fools out of themselves, filling themselves with a sense of importance (how one can feel self important with all their useless knowledge and dressing up as a character from a TV show outside of halloween is beyond me) when really to the unimpressed mind it seems like a very pitiful bit of public humiliation.
I'm sorry, but I have a little more respect for myself than to dress up as Mr. Scott and prance around quoting him all night. Oh sure, I bring out the Transformers conversation once and a while, but that's usually when I'm drunk and I want to make people laugh, or at least look around nervously trying to find the nearest authority figure while I scream at them about how Rodimus Prime was a pussy compared to Optimus... But I digress.
I cannot stand other so called "Trans-Fans", I'm sorry when you spend your evening having a debate from an old episode of the cartoon from the 80's on a newsgroup, trying to find an explanation to the inconstancies of one story and another and bickering back and fourth about all your apparently "Well thought out" theories on how it could work instead of remembering the following facts:
1.) It's a cartoon targeted at children
2.) It was a cartoon made about 20 years ago, and back then nobody gave a shit about continuity.
and
3.) It was a half an hour commercial, as far as the toy manufacture was concerned they didn't give a shit what the stories were about as long as you bugged your parents to buy you the latest toys of the characters featured in the show.
Then obviously you have taken things to far. It's something that Jame McDonough & Adam Patryk (Who worked for the now bankrupt Dreamwave Productions, who printed the Transformers comic book) said "It happened because the script called for it." Nothing simpler than that. Yes folks, sad as it may sound, but a coke addicted writer like Flint Dille from LA wrote up these stories probably hopped out of their minds coming up with crazy ideas off the top of their head, and ignoring most of what was written before.
Like seriously, I'm sorry, but your grasping for straws if you dress up like your favorite Transformer, or you go out and buy every single toy you can even if half of them were the same crap that they released a few years before but with a different color scheme.
Some fans go to some ridiculous extremes, and it seems the internet is a breeding ground for it all, because the fans have access to all this information and pictures I seriously think it rots out their brains.
Okay, I admit that I used to have my very own Transformers website, I tried to write a few Fan-Fics (That's short for "Fan Fiction" meaning a fan writing a story about whatever they're fan of, for all you out there that don't speak geek) and if you search up the Transformers On-Line Encyclopedia, you'll fine quite a few entries that were written by me. But I've seen a hell of a lot worse, and I'm going to share them with you if not for a laugh, for your own good, or for you to gaze upon in sheer horror that there are such weak links in the gene pool.
Back in my time, I used to troll around message boards, and alt.toys.transformers happened to be one of the more ridiculous of them all, all these high energy posts about toys being released, or debates about episodes weren't the worst of the crop. I've seen some pretty pathetic posts. Questions like "If the characters can turn into animals in Beast Wars and run out of breath and stuff, does that mean they can have sex?" or "They mentioned Megatron on Z 29.5 FM in Sheboygan today!!" I mean what the fuck is that? I'm sorry, but do we really need to know this information? I mean it gets to be a little daunting....
Okay... You think that is low. Well there is even worse... check out this link http://members.aol.com/ravestrike/wwf/main.htm . Can you believe this? A fucking Transfan writes up a webpage about how he made a Decepticon sign and holding it up during a WWF match? Then going to the length of taping the episode and doing screen captures and putting it up on their personal website?
"As you can see, it makes an interesting scene, and is by all means appropriate for the character of 'Vinnie Mac'."
"It's not often that we get anything having to do with Transformers appearing in the mainstream media anymore, so I was very happy when the logo appeared on TV! Decepticons Forever!!! "
Congratulations brave knight, you hath done society a great favor. I'm sure this is going to be a great story to tell your grand kids, assuming you have children. "When I was young, I went to a 'rasslin' match and I held up a Decepticon sign! And 'cause of that sign, the confederates lost and Bumblebee was loved by the masses!" "Yeah sure Grandpa, come on Transformers are gay!"
And if you think that lowly motherfucker is the worst of the worst, I can one up that little equation for you.
Okay imagine this: Your in your 30's, you've been a Transformers fan since '84, and your wife just left you, what do you do? Legally change your name to Optimus Prime, apparently.
I shit you not, I was just speechless when I heard about this one. Yes folks there is a guy who legally changed his name to Optimus Prime. Don't believe me? Check it out.
http://botcollector.com/comshowcase2.htm
Now if you think this is laughable enough, this guy is an army fire fighter that is currently serving in Iraq. Now how the hell can you take someone in your unit seriously when he's named after a toy from the 80's?
Oh, but this merely isn't enough, his local NBC station has done numerous stories about him and given him his own web blog on their station site!! Is this some sort of joke?
Okay, I can feel for the guy, when he was a kid his dad died and he looked to the character as a role model (instead of say, Pee-Wee Herman, or Michael Jackson) Okay! Sure! Understandable! But to legally change your name when your 30?? And this guy breaches levels of near insanity when he starts talking like he thinks he's the real Optimus Prime.
Nobel causes and all aside, what the fuck? Seriously.. What. The. Fuck!
Good sign you shouldn't name yourself after a Transformer:
"My family didn’t believe me at first, and then they all fell over laughing."
"The only person I have ever met that has a problem with my new name is my son’s mother. We are divorced; I got the name change right after it happened. She has a nervous breakdown every time the subject comes up."
Reasons not to be proud of your new name:
"By the way, if there is any woman out there who will changer her name to Elita-1, I will marry you on the spot. I would kill to find a female Transformer fan. " (Well serving in Iraq, your going to be doing plenty of that, you fucking butcher.)
"I took this girl out not too long ago, and we went to a nice restaurant. After the waiter took my card, she came back with about 6 employees. They all asked me if I was really Optimus Prime. Brownie points for me later on (Laughs)." I don't know what's sadder, that he impressed with this display, or that someone was desperate enough to have sex with him after (And yet me, who is completely Transformers-Name-Change-Free, can't even get a girl out to coffee... Perhaps there is some merit in this.. Maybe I should change my name to Mega Tron and be this guys rival. Sure I'm a pasty nerd at a computer and he's a big war hero fire fighter and shit, but whatever.. Or I could forget the whole idea for the sheer stupidity of it. Transformers names don't get you laid, I believe that mayhap Chloroform may have a hand to play in this.)
Oh and this is a good reason why you shouldn't turn your name change into some sort of Zen Esq philosophy system to justify it either:
"My Matrix is my spiritual connection with the Earth. Sometimes she will let me feel her like a wave of energy passing through me. I guess it’s what some people would refer to as finding your chi. It is like feeling every living thing on earth all at once. It’s an enlightening time."
"I am a Gemini, and every part of my life exemplifies this. The Transformers were the only toys that really caught my spark. Gemini’s have 2 personalities, as do the Transformers. I love technology and nature in the same way. As an Army Fire Fighter, we rescue and kill. I am the most polite and quiet man you will ever meet, until you push me. I can also become a nightmare the likes of which you have never known, who shoots first and doesn’t ask any questions. The one thing I want people to know about me is this:
Remember, Optimus Prime will always be there for you… no matter the cost. Autobots, transform and roll out!"
Deep. Really deep. You rescue and kill? A nice guy and a nightmare the likes of which I'll never know, who shoots first and asks questions later? Ummm... Why are we talking about your mental instability all of a sudden? I think I see why your wife left you pal.
Holy shit, as if I'm still writing about this guy!! It's just.. Just... Fuck, that's way too far. What the hell??
Sorry I've gotten a little off topic here, taking pot shots at this guy (but then again that's why I have a website don't I? To take pot shots at everything and piss people off apparently, because when your on the internet your not allowed to have an opinion that differs from the person who is reading it..)
But on another level, I like Troma movies but you won't see me legally changing my name to SGT Kabukiman NYPD anytime soon!
We have one last section of the fan-boy above and beyond the realm of normalcy and into a world of fandom insanity! Are you ready for this? Get ready to be shocked and amazed by this one:
http://razormoon.fateback.com/consort/
Yes friends and neighbors, Transformers Hentai. Trans-Fucking-Formers Hentai.... (Again, Hentai for those who don't know is art, animated films or manga/comics where the characters are constantly nude or having sex, usually in an Anime style.)
So I suppose in saying this, no matter how geeky I may be, or how many Transformers I have stowed in my closet I can feel infinitely better because of three things:
1.) I don't get excited over the merest mention of my interest in Transformers, like a passing mention to the toys on Television, on the radio or -- God forbid -- I make a sign and go to a wrestling match in hopes that it appears on camera.
2.) I haven't legally changed my name to a character of said toy line to fill a void in my life that has otherwise been miserable and bad, because GOD DAMN IT killing Iraqi's for Uncle Sam just isn't enough!
and
3.) At least I'm not the Transformers equivalent to a Furry (people who have sex with stuffed animals, or dress up as stuffed animals when they have sex.)
I know I stuck to a genre that I am most familiar with, but I can assure you others are much worse. For example, if I went on great lengths about Star Trek there would probably be a seven paragraph rant about how there is defiantly something wrong with you if you look at Klingon Porn.
Look the point I'm trying to get at here is this: You can be a die hard fan of something without doing something pathetic and/or stupid.
Getting back to my original statement, that the geeks of the world feel the need to set themselves aside from people who are taking a general interest in the things they were once shunned for, I think the geeks of the world who feel the need to go as far as the people I mentioned above have totally missed the point.
We should be taking this moment to embrace the fact that "non-geeky" people are accepting the things that we are interested in as things that aren't reserved for total losers. We're on the horizon of total geektopia, and geeks are trying further to alienate themselves by drawing pictures of robots fucking each other in the ass and legally changing their names to that of fictional characters.
There should be a fine line between being into something and being totally fucking nuts, and I think the moment when you should realize that is if you wake up one morning spending your time taping down your genitals and taping up your gut so you can fit into a Cammy (from Street Fighter) costume, you have some real big problems.