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Remember the first time you heard a bonus track on a CD? I do. I thought it was pretty cleaver the first time I heard it. But bands these days continue to do it to this day. Why the fuck for? It was a novel little thing when the Compact Disc came out way back in the day, but today it's an irritation that only me and people who rip CD's into MP3 format that hate wasting hard drive space for five minutes of silence in a compressed audio format, feel.
Fucking stop it, okay? Seriously. It's fucking stupid and I hate you for doing it! I mean seriously, what is the point of all that dead air? You can find a lot of good uses for it. Or put nothing on it at all, your stupid album is only thirty minutes anyway for fucks sake. How about you stop wasting both our time, and just forget about that 20 minutes of fucking silence that I'm just going to have to fast forward through to hear what is undoubtedly a very lame and shitty bonus track that isn't any good to begin with. That way you can put it on the track listing and make everyone happy.
It'd like to take a moment to make mention of some pretty fucking ANNOYING bonus track selections from various albums:
Follow the Leader by Korn - Now Korn, always the mavericks of the music industry, decided to do something completely different. One day during some sort of meeting where they were deciding what problems they had when they were kids they should write a song about, they decided to break the mold of the bonus track by putting 20 or so tracks of utter silence at the START of the CD and then have the album begin, and then if the fan isn't pissed enough already that they have to skip through 20 fucking tracks for no good reason other than they are nothing but dead air, have a bonus track that is a cover of a Cheech and Chong song, to verify to all the Korn fans out there -- Yes, we like pot, and pot related humor. Which, in my opinion, pot humor is the lowest form of comedy. Period. It ranks below the Aristocrats joke. But if you follow my formula that 95% of all bonus tracks are only so much fluff and just utter garbage, then it is true that 95% of Korn songs are utter shit and not worth listening too, which is fairly accurate, I give a 5% error margin on this percentage.
Anti-Christ Superstar by Marilyn Manson - As much as it's a great album, having tracks 17 through 98 being dead silence when the concept of your album is circular (meaning one song flows into another perfectly, and that the last track flows into the first track so if you played it in a constant loop the album cycles back to the beginning as seamlessly as between tracks) seems to defeat the whole circular thing doesn't it? It's kind of like when they interupt your favorite program to bring you dead silence before they continue it "already in progress", which is very fucking annoying.
Lateralus by Tool - Now this one goes a step further because the "bonus" track itself is listed by itself, meaning you think you have escaped the terror of the dead silence. Your defenses are down, you're thinking "All right, I don't have to skip through 900 tracks of dead air just to get to this one track! Plus the album length is only 45 minutes! All right! But guess what, you guessed wrong mother fucker! This track starts at a negative number. So you end up sitting there with the worlds biggest cock sucking cramp on your face when you realize to your utter horror that the track starts at -12:56. Yes folks, those eccentric assholes in Tool decided to be even more original with the bonus track and have you sit there listening to absolute silence in NEGATIVE NUMBERS! So not only are you wasting more time, but your wasting it in a negative value. And for those of you at home wondering if this is a bad thing. Yes. Yes it is. Luckily most CD players cannot rewind or fast forward any time on a track before 00:00, and it takes one simple button push to get past all this silence, so I'm going to stop complaining about this track before I start going into this huge rant about how I can't stand all the fucking people out there who go on about how Tool changed their lives like music somehow validates their pitiful fucking lives and give their drug addled minds some peace of mind and embrace the life time of going nowhere they seem destined for.
You know what else I hate about CD's that seem to becoming a constant fuck-a-row with musicians these days? The Enhanced CD. You know what I'm talking about right? When they figure they'll give you more value for your money (and justify charging you $25.00 for something that cost 75 cents to press on a compact disc.) by putting music videos, pictures, and various other goodies you need a computer to view.
All fine and dandy, but you know what pisses me off the most about these fucking things? The fact that as soon as you put it in your damn computer it begins to autorun and invade your desktop. Fuck off man! I can god damn read, and I certainly do not want to view your stupid music video, or be prompted with a reminder that just like every other asshole in the world that you have a website, or any of the other stupid shit that you put on the CD that you insist that I see.
I bought your CD to listen to music, not get bombarded with stupid crap whenever I put the fucking thing into my computer. And now here are some very fucking annoying examples of CD's that I have come across with the most useless Enhanced CD features I've ever seen:
American Idiot by Green Day - Oh hey, a fucking Flash animation that invades my entire computer screen telling me where I can go to download Green Day ring tones! Fan-fucking-tastic! Just what I want to be reminded whenever I put the CD into my computer.
Holy Wood: In the Shadow Of the Valley of Death by Marilyn Manson - This Enhanced CD boasts a Marilyn Manson short film. That would have been all fine and dandy if the video was actually on the CD itself. No it's not folks. When you click on the plucky little shot gun on the full screen ram chewing flash animation and the damn thing links you to a website where you have to download the fucking video. Not only is that fucking annoying, but it's also in Real Media. I fucking hate Real Media. Real Media is for people who haven't discouvered that streaming video has advanced in leaps and bounds since 1998.
Conspiracy of One by The Offspring - Oh hey, a link to your website! I didn't know you guys had one! Thanks for reminding me whenever I put my CD into my computer!
And the list goes on folks. At least some artists are smartening up and when they want to feature some bonus piece of crap you'll probably only watch once and discard, they put it on a second disc or on a bonus DVD that is included with the CD for no extra cost.
I got off topic here for a minute, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, bonus tracks.
Bonus Tracks suck. I hate them. I also hate Topeka, Kansas, even though I've never been there, I mention this for no particular reason really.