So what's the first thing you think when you hear about the middle east? Or Arabic? Or Islam? You think some creepy people crashing planes into buildings and killing journalists.
We at Dorkswithoutfaces agree with many human rights groups that this is an unjust treatment and today we are going to shine some light of the brighter, happier, and fun side of Arabic culture! So let's forget about the depressing (not to mention scary, and Spooky!) side with the people exploding themselves, or crashing planes into buildings, or making the women wear a big sheet over their whole body.
And what better place to see this more innocent and nicer side of a culture us ignorant stupid white people find crazy and insane and regard with the highest level of fear humanly possible, than through their children's literature!
So in the interest of international unity, I bring this hard hitting and very informative review... Or something.... Keep in mind that I can't speak or read Arabic (and hell, I'll be honest with you folks, I'm not even sure that this book is even written in Arabic... It kind of looks like it... But it could be Zulu for all I know, but hey why try to bore your mind with all these fucking details? Let's get on with things!) So I'm reduced to only being able to try and interpret the pictures and base my review of those. It shouldn't be that hard, shouldn't it?
So For Starters, How did this book come into my hands?:
Well that's an interesting story I suppose, my friend Vince (Who immerses himself in Arabic culture.. Well okay, he just likes to eat Shawarma's.) came across this book at a Shawarma place, who was selling it -- used -- for $4.00. Now I myself would question the price of the book as it has seen many busy hands, the book has had a lot of wear, and it has the unmistakable pencil crayon strokes of a small child trying to enhance their reading experience with incomprehensible scribbles.
In fact the first thing to gaze at me when I opened the book is this strange drawing. I'd like to think that it's a weird combination of a Smurf and Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters, thus my thesis about how western culture pollutes the minds of young people of other nations and their relation of using quantum physics to realign the stars. It was titled Road House (just like that movie with Patrick Swayzie) and my professor flunked me.... And I was copying his answers!... I suppose the lesson learned here is that one should never take post-secondary education from one of those places they tuck away in the upper levels of the mall. My professor was also a fucking dick with sweaty armpits and a hair lip... But I digress.
I can only assume that the scribble under the drawing is either the secret to interdimensional travel, or possibly the artists signature (Which will possibly net me quite a chunk of change when I sell it to the Louvre, as an original work when he becomes a master artist.)
But enough of this rather delightful child's drawing, and getting to the story that enticed him to create this masterwork on the inside cover.
Our title page features a dog, who appears to be female (I can't tell because she hasn't developed her six teats yet of course, one could never know and it could be a boy dog with very liberal parents!) running through a field of... What the heck are those? Lilly pads? I don't know. As any title page of a book, it clearly indicates the title of the book, the writer and artist, as well as the publishing company. I wish I could read these names and share them with you, but I'm not that cultured I'm afraid.
I wonder though, what the dog's motivations for running through this ... er... field of those um... plants. I mean she's looking up, right? What is she staring at?
I'd also like to point out that she is not wearing any sort of traditional religious wear that seems to be all the rage in the area, which leaves me to believe that dogs are treated better than women. But then again, I think about it, that's true in every culture isn't it? I mean, a guy will feed his dog everyday, and play with it and stuff... The wife? Stuck doing dishes. 'Tis a sick world we live in, isn't it?
Now our story beings with a guy driving down the road with his two dogs chained up in back. Judging from how small the flatbed in his struck is, this strikes me as a very good idea, as he'd only need to make a sharp turn and they'd fly right out of the back of the truck -- Wait a minute.... Wouldn't they still fall out of the truck and get dragged to their deaths? This is disturbing... And I'm left to wonder what sort of sick game this man is playing. Although I must admire the man's taste in using a clowns horn to signal people that he is driving in his merry way, it must fill people with glee.
On the next page we see another dog, and like the one on the title page is on two legs and is dressed in clothes. I am deeply saddened by the class system that is predominant in this story, as it seems certain breeds of dogs are favored better and given clothes and allowed to walk on two legs, while others are forced to be chained in eternal servitude to a pick-up driver who has a bad Mario Brothers mustache and a clown horn. But before you call your local UN Representitive about that, wait until you see this next bit.
If you thought the doggie-aparthied was bad, take a look at how foxes are treated! Not wasting any time for something called plot, we now see that the man is chasing after what appears to be a fox in a pink jump suit. Given his seductive eyes and pink jumper, I know what your thinking, you probably jumped out and shouted "HE'S GAY!", and chuckled merrily and then forwarded that picture to all your friends at work in an e-mail titled "FW: And we thought gay people were gay! Not like Foxes! ROFL!" and if you did and you're at work right now, congratulations, everyone officially thinks your a biggot. Fucker.
Oh sure you may think that, what with his pink outfit, and his seductive eyes that demand you to peer into them and be lost forever, one might draw the logical conclusion that the fox is gay. In fact, if this book were possibly published in America, or turned into a cartoon show, you can bet your bottom dollar, the delightful frollicking of hunter and fox in pink jogging outfit would be come the scorn of the religious community for prepetuating the "Homosexual agenda" to "corrupt" our youth! Because, you know, gay people's agenda is to make all the worlds children gay. But come on people: It's a fox. A fox in a children's book. And sometimes, a fox in a pink jump suit is just a fox in a pink jump suit and nothing more.
...... Uh... Okay so now all of a sudden the fox, not caring he's being pursued by a guy with a shot gun decides to splay for everyone in the reading audience.....
... Okay, this is getting weird, but we must soldier on. I mean, I can admit, this is pretty weird so far. I mean the fox is stretching his leg for no reason.
Now usually when people are chasing after you with a shotgun you don't stop to stretch, but then again, some bank robbers are known to do worse.
I wish I knew what was going on here, I really wish I did! It either looks like the man is scared for no reason and the dog is asking him for change, or perhaps they are doing that new dance all the kids are doing down at 
the dance hall. Or perhaps he's jumping at the dog shouting "I'm going to freak you!" Or something like that.
I find it hard to believe that this man is scared of a fox in a pink jumper stretching his leg in his face. Perhaps the fox farted. We may never know for sure.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where the hell did this kid come from? Where is the character development? What the hell is happening to the plot? I'm getting more and more lost in this story as it carries on. WHY THE HELL IS THE DOG TRYING TO LICK HIS CHEST???
What the heck is that in the man's pocket? Are those tampons? Cheese sticks? I am not sure anymore. He looks like he is going to ram his fingers into the kids throat and pull out his jugular in a carefree fashion though.
Well, thing's couldn't possibly get any weirder.
Okay... Now what's going on? It appears that drawing with any sort of consistency has gone out the window, I can see that much, but did this picture really need a two page spread? It looks like the man has thrown his back out and is telling the kid to stand still while he shoots his hat off his head or something. The dog, who is also wearing pink and now has a beer gut gives the thumbs up. Wait a second, why the hell is he standing on a tree stump? And why the hell is he all of a sudden the same size as the kid? Wait a minute, where is the collar of the kids shirt? How'd his shorts turn into pants!? Where are his knee high socks!? What the fuck is going on here!?
What?!? ANOTHER DOG!?! Do we need another dog character? I mean we got.... Um.... two carry the one... divide by the power of 63.... Seven other dogs in this story! Why do we need this other dog? Well at least it's true to the plot by showing the dog that was on the cover page, fulfilling it's promise of a female dog with bows being in the story. My mind is set at east with this and I feel that perhaps I can maintain sanity long enough to get through the story, I think I can do it, the end is coming soon! It can't get any stranger than this!
Okay, so we found this kid's favorite hobby, poking a dog in the face until it curls up into the fetal position. This kid has a very disturbing pass-time in deed. But it appears the dog is enjoying it.. Perhaps too much. I don't think this is healthy for a childs development.
What the hell are they on anyway? A magic carpet? What this have to do with the fox at the beginning of the story? I want to know what he was going to do next! And wasn't that guy with the creepy Mario mustache going to hunt that guy? What the hell is going on here book? I think your blatantly avoiding any sort of conclusion to this story, and leaving to many loose threads.
Oh, okay story, we'll wait for you to feed your dog before you tie up all the loose ends for us. Actually, the way the dog is unhappily holding it's crotch, it suggests to me that perhaps the lad wants the dog to pee into the empty bowl. And judging from his satisfied grin, he does this often. I find this both disturbing and sick. What the hell is up with people and water spots anyway? Why do people like to watch people peeing into things or on other people? Gah!
Now I think the book is purposely going further off topic to spite me, it knows you know it is! Know what? It knows that I want to have a nice fluid ending! Instead the only fluid it seems to want to show me is that coming out of the little doggie and into that bowl.. I'm almost too frightened to keep on going, but I must soldier on! There are only four more pages left.. That's all and I can be happy with the ending it gives me, because I still have faith that things are going to come full circle in the end of this story.
....... ? Only three pages left... This better be some spectacular ending.
Now what the hell is going on here? What happened to the other three fucking dogs go? You know the two that were tired up in back and the other one?? Where the hell are they going? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT GOD DAMN FOX!?!?! I DEMAND ANSWER FROM YOU BOOK! NOW!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW! WHEN I TURN THE NEXT PAGE I BETTER GET AN EXPLINATION!!!!
Fuck you, story book.
And don't think I'm going to pretend not to wonder how the hell the boy dog got to this place... grandpa dog's house when the other characters clearly had to take a pick up truck to get there.....
So I stop myself, I have to collect my thoughts for a moment because there are lot of loose threads the book has to clear up before the story was over and we are coming to the last page. All the answers must be told. Let's review shall we?
1.) We still have to find out what happened to those other two dogs that were chained up to the back of that man's truck, and why exactly he had them chained up when it appears that in this magical storybook land dogs are civil creatures that wear clothes, walk on two legs and don't sniff each others butts.
2.) What the hell happened to that flamboyant fox that was stretching his legs? What was the man's motivation fo
r chasing after him with a shot gun, and why did he give up? What was he so frightened of? Explain your answers with proof from the story.
3.) What the hell was the subplot with the female dog? I thought my expectations were greatly let down. Sure the title page delivered on it's promise to provide a female dog as a character in the story, however it did not keep it's promise of the dog running through that field of... lilly pads or whatever the hell those plants were.
4.) And finally most important of them all, how is it a male dog can travel faster than a pick up truck? Well I suppose there is a possibility, like if you gave the dog a handicap like taking out the spark plugs or siphoning out the gas from the tank.
So with all this on our minds, how does this story end? I slowly turn the page with my eyes close, hoping that maybe, just maybe, that when I open them again, I shall see all the answers before me, and that this book was more than just one big giant cop out.
And when I open my eyes I'm greeted with this. A dog dancing with a monkey. A DOG DANCING WITH A MOTHER FUCKING MONKEY!!!! WHERE THE HELL DID THIS FUCKING MONKEY COME FROM ?!?!?! AND WHY THE HELL DID HE FIND IT NECISSARY TO APPEAR AT THE END OF THE STORY ONCE ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS WRE FIRMLY ESTABLISHED!?!?
How does a monkey dancing with a dog end this story... You know what, I can totally understand why people in that part of the world are so aggressive, they have all these fucking children books that go all over the place and have no real ending!
Holy shit....
Well I conclude that, me being a child of the western world (and therefore brainwashed by all it's lours and vices) I can say that I've never read such a fucked up story that hailed from my own continent. All we had were nice, wholesome Disney Books. Disney Books like:
Nope, nothing but nice wholesome Disney books that infest our minds with racial prejudice. Oh come on, what do you think the tar-baby was supposed to be?
Well in the aftermath of this whole book thing, I'd like to say a big fuck you to the characters in the books (but not the writers and artists, because some people might view that as a hate crime, in spite of me not discriminating and telling people to fuck off no matter what their race, sex, religion, creed sexual orientation or intelligence level may be), but most importantly, fuck you Walt Disney.